Sitting in the quiet calm of a warm and breezy summer afternoon, staring out at the clouds it is not you alone that have often wondered how you would go about cooking a porcupine. Well, first, it is absolutely imperative to determine the method of cooking most suitable to the occasion.
Being a bit of a prickly fellow, he may not be all that keen on getting cooked. So, handling with kid gloves is advisable. You know, the kind that they wear during snowball fights? Probably two or three per hand will do, depending on the size of your little one.
Not all porcupines are created equal. Though rather timid by nature some prefer being hit over the head by the bluntness of a strong shock to the system. For this, it is highly recommended to start with a good aged cognac. There is nothing worse than a cheap drunk that is covered in sharp quills. His refined pallet will appreciate the lavish complement poured before him.
Keeping an arm's distance is also a good idea. The local department store may be able to come to the rescue on this one. Sometimes they have spare parts from their display models.
It is customary to provide light refreshments. A nice platter containing tree bark, grass, apples or other fruit, potato chips and a refreshing snow cone, is sure to make your guest feel welcome and ready to put down his quills. It isn't a good idea for anybody to drink on an empty stomach.
If the little guy has come around a few times already a far less formal approach is acceptable. The lid from the beer keg can act as a great diving board when balanced correctly. But, if he brings a lady friend a couple of hoses to act as sipping straws would add just the right romantic touch. After a few hours both should be thoroughly cooked and ready for a long nap.
Another favorite serving suggestion is porcupine meat balls. While politically incorrect in some circles, it is regarded as a delicacy and often tauted as a party favorite. A strong sherry would complement this choice nicely.
Once your porcupine guest is thoroughly sloshed make sure to confiscate his keys. The forest is a dangerous place for something the size of a cake box to be stumbling home in the middle of the night.
Just in case he is still not tender enough, mixing a bit of wine in with the beer and following up with a few Jgermeister shots should guarantee the fully cooked status of your porcupine.
So, now you know. All musings have an attack plan.